It’s at night, after my daughter is tucked into bed, I turn down the lights to cuddle under a blanket, reach for the remote, and it hits: absence. I briefly acknowledge my empty sofa with a sigh. Usually, it’s just fine. Usually, I enjoy the time alone and choose whichever show I want to watch. Usually, I’m grateful for the quiet.
But not always. On evenings that I’m especially tired, I wish there was someone to wrap up with, watch TV together, have fingers run through my hair and my forehead kissed as I relax on his chest. When my toes get cold, it would be wonderful to have them held in large palms, pressed until I become warm. It’s on those nights my sofa looks incredibly large and my heart feels just a little alone.
I suppose many people who are single experience this. It took me awhile to get here, to this place, where instead of relishing in my new-found independence, I’ve begun missing the companionship and presence of a man who, while feeling vulnerable, helps you feel safe and protected.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m a strong woman. I don’t need to have a man protect me; but if there is a man in my life, I do need to feel that he feels protective of me, that I ignite a desire in him to be concerned for my well-being. You know – checks on you to make sure you’re safe while traveling, holds you tightly after a long day, buys you soup when you’re sick, encourages you to eat breakfast and take care of yourself.
And I miss that. The feeling that you hold a tender, dear, affectionate space in someone’s heart. The knowing that when they feel vulnerable, when they’re having a rough day, it’s you they want, too. It’s your lap they want to lay their head in, it’s you they want to have rub their back and bring them a cup of tea or a drink. That feeling that you’ve got eachother.
So I sleep with a lot of pillows and find myself waking up in the middle of my bed, surrounded by them – little soft clouds – and feel a little less alone. A little less absence. Even if it’s just pillows. An illusion.
I’m not alone, of course. I have my sweet, fiery daughter. I have friends and family who love me, see me for who I am, and accept me. I’m fortunate and grateful. It’s in the simple things I find happiness and comfort: the moon; clear, starry skies; good coffee; music; long baths. They make all the difference … most of the time.
But, there are nights I want strong arms around my shoulders and a song gently sung in my ears, lulling me safely to sleep.
Sometimes … I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the bed.
This is a very serene and an honest capture Becky. Just authentic and real. Love it . Xx
This is a very serene and an honest capture Becky. Just authentic and real. Love it . Xx
You are an amazing, beautiful and strong woman so I have no doubt you won't be waking in the middle of the bed for long 🙂
There are many people who actually live with someone and yet they still feel lonely. People who are comfortable in their own skin, their own space and not afraid to be alone are the ones who are the strongest of all. Embrace those pillows, because one day, you'll be wishing for that space back again! I talk from experience! (haha)
🙂 Thank you, Sandy!!
lol – Thanks, Renee. You're sweet. 🙂
Oh – I know that not-alone-but-lonely feeling. It is the worst. 🙁 I think that's why it took me so many months to get to the point I'm at now; I've been grateful not to have THAT feeling.
I don't doubt that I would have trouble giving up all my pillows…lol.
Thanks, Deb! lol