“Tonight I can write the saddest lines…”
Neruda’s sentiments echo through me this evening as I recall my 10 year old daughter’s words:
“I don’t think it’s smart to keep being myself. It makes things worse. People say I’m weird, crazy, psycho, strange. I think I have to change and just be the same. The same — like how they are all the same.”
She went stiff when I tried to pull her towards me. Her upper body tight, arms down like a straight jacket. Eyes diverted, jaw clenched. I knew then not to touch her.
“…my heart looks for her, and she is not with me.” – Neruda
I breathed deeply, tried to center myself, and not immediately react, even though I could feel my throat close in, my heart beat fast.
“Sweetheart, those kids are jealous. They see that you are free … that you’re free to be who you truly are.”
She didn’t buy it.
Her response was probably accurate: The kids don’t even know they conform, fit the mold, follow the crowd, do the ‘typical, acceptable’ things so they don’t stand out (or stand out for the ‘right’ and ‘popular’ reasons). Most of them probably don’t realize they aren’t raised to have their unique, quirky personalities celebrated, encouraged, and never dimmed.
After all, quiet, smiling, unassuming, and accommodating are better than opinionated, expressive, and self-assured, right?
Most of us were raised to fit in.
Taught that different was bad.
…if not at home, then at least through societal constructs.
“I don’t belong…” She began to cry.
I, too, want to cry.
“We, of that time, are no longer the same.” – Neruda
I want to cry for her.
For all of us — collectively — who carry this wound of feeling we don’t belong, that we are not part of something (our family, our community, our school, our church, our sisterhood, ourselves!).
I want to cry for the primordial hurt most of us have felt — at least once — that we are utterly disconnected from one another, from Source, from our hearts, from our inner-knowing.
This slicing separation is what causes us to believe we are not worthy, that we are alone, and that we simply don’t belong.
This is THE collective wound that from the core of our bellies rings out in red ache.
Is there anything more crushing?
It is the part of us that clings to whatever feels solid/stable, tells us we’re OK, lets us slip in and out — cloaked — without causing too much attention (at least in any perceived ‘negative’ way).
It’s where we compromise our truth and constantly ask others their opinions, beliefs, thoughts, ideas on what we should do instead of getting quiet and listening to our heart.
It’s where we give ourselves away.
The spiral of forgetting our truth, our Essence begins.
We begin to feel untethered.
As I listened to my daughter, I was aware of how intimately I know this wound.
It’s this very scar that I consciously … mindfully, trace my fingers over and over and over … with love.
It’s this very scar that kept me feeling separate, not-so-worthy, hidden, fairly unsafe, and much more guarded than I wanted to admit — for most of my life.
I’m 43 and only figuring it out now.
I don’t want her to feel this one.
So, I tell her how magnificent she is. How our greatest gift to the world is our uniqueness. That there is nothing, nothing, nothing she needs to change.
And it’s a tough one because my daughter is NOT a typical kid.
She’s on the Autism spectrum and she’s a girl on the spectrum. That makes a difference.
She’s intelligent, quirky, rigid, imaginative, adventurous, deeply — intensely — empathetic towards nature and animals … so much so that she cries when trees have been destroyed in a forest fire, when I cut chicken breasts, or at the thought of an animal being hunted and killed. And that’s REAL for her. Not dramatics.
(For the record, I love her wide-open heart.)
So, her pull to dull her energetic self-expression — to numb down and become chameleon-like — would create enormous distress and pressure on her (as it would anyone) … and even more so in her case since it would take incredible measures on her part to even attempt doing so.
I feel tired just thinking about it!
And that’s exactly what we have done to ourselves, by the way: Exhausted ourselves by dimming our light.
It takes a lot of work to appear the same as everyone else…
I’m going to “out” us ALL, right now.
None of us are the same.
Or typical.
Or normal.
Neither are your kids.
We’ve been playing the biggest game of make-believe — ever.
How does this affect us?
We:
- Choose and stay in careers that don’t bring us joy
- Marry the wrong person
- Desperately hold onto unhealthy relationships
- Say yes when we mean no
- Blame outside circumstances (and others) for our not-so-happy lives
- Disconnect from our purpose, our passions, our Essence
- Feel afraid, overwhelmed, or numbed-out — regularly
- Sell ourselves out over, and over, and over…
…so that we feel we “belong.”
To what?
To anything.
Even if it hurts.
This is what I have to say:
Fuck that shit.
Really.
Enough is enough.
It’s time to come out of the shadows.
It’s time to parent our children in a way that allows their audacious, wild, primal, freedom-seeking, truth-speaking, flagrant, unapologetic selves LIVE.
It’s time to for us to love those same parts of ourselves back into liberation, too … because I know I’m not the only one who was raised to be a Nice Girl … the girl who keeps a polite smile on her face and swallows her words: That girl isn’t around here much anymore.
It’s time for our men to feel allowed to experience and express rapture under their skin, streaming hot tears, and expansive, explosive, heart-warming tenderness and love.
It’s time to lick the salt off our tongues, arrive with full-bodied, overflowing heart-presence, and be whoever the hell we were created to be.
Stop hushing.
Stop shushing.
Stop rolling eyes.
Stop snickering.
Stop teasing.
Stop with the: tone it down; no crying; pull-it-together nonsense.
Stop telling your child to be quiet when they’re laughing so hard, they pee their pants.
Laugh WITH them.
Pee your own goddamned pants.
Be alive.
Be HERE.
And let’s remember, remember, remember that we have this particular life only once.
Shall we fill it with a sense of belonging?
Shall we embrace it with love?
Shall we adore the hell out of every quirk we see in one another — and ourselves?
Especially in these precious children?
(Even if your son wants a Barbie and your daughter wants to wrestle.)
Shall we try?
…I do NOT want to feel this line from Neruda:
“Because through nights like this I one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.”
I’m not willing to lose my daughter to the so-called dulled-out ‘normalcy’ of life.
…It takes too long to get the spirit back.
And that’s not OK.
Because:
She belongs.
You belong.
We all belong.
(And in case you didn’t catch it: You, too, are magnificent — just the way you TRULY are.)
Oh Becky! Your writing is amazing. I am very touched and see so much of this in my Deez. ❤💋To you and F! I have never seen so much TRUTH!
Thank you, sweet Krista. Sending you lots and lots of love to you and Deez. It’s not easy when our kids are a bit different – and notice – and see how they are treated differently for simply being who they really are. Lots of hugs, Krista. <3 And I hope you're well!
Standing fiercely with you, Mamma Bear! Love you both <3 Beautifully expressed.
I feel that, beautiful Dianne. I love YOU so. <3 Thank you for all of your love + support.
Your words spoke a truth I really needed to hear tonight. Thank you!
Oh, thank you for reading, Christy. It’s lovely to have you here. I’m grateful to know they gave you some support this evening. Much love. <3
Beautiful stuff, Becky. Krista and the others are right in how they listen to you, and what they hear. Count me in that group too. Your handling of the Neruda poem is also a piece of wonder, and very effective. Your awareness of your daughter may also be a new awareness of yourself. It’s all full of wonder. And sad? That’s what Neruda wrote then. And the lines serve you well. Serve us? That, too. Is it not, also possible that the sadness may be in part, a saying goodbye to your older, smaller consciousness? Isn’t there a loss in that to grieve? Your own words convey another message though, beyond the sadness, and that’s joy, as you stand in the doorway–the threshold–walking through. So much here about freedom. For you, and for your daughter. She still gets to find this out for herself. Thanks for this. And the writing. Jim
Thank you, Mr. Bodeen. Thank you for your words, thoughtfulness, insight (and years of support).
Yes, it’s very true that this awareness of my daughter is also a self-awareness … and yes, I have had to (and continue to) say goodbye to a smaller consciousness – all the while still holding gratitude for how it was there to try to keep me safe, really. (So not to feel shame around any wounds; instead, to love them.)
Freedom. Liberation. It’s what I want for us all – globally. For us to see things in a different way. 🙂
Thank you for the reminder that my daughter gets to find this freedom within herself as well.
I’m so grateful for you and am deeply touched that you read this/wrote here.
🙂
Well done! The best of your best!
I love you both to pieces❣❣❣
Oh my, Becky. Thank you for such a heartfelt post and sharing your daughter’s story. God knew what he was doing sending her to you! And, thank you for speaking the truth… and summing me up in a nutshell. You stopped me in my tracks when you wrote:
“…that’s exactly what we have done to ourselves, by the way: Exhausted ourselves by dimming our light.
It takes a lot of work to appear the same as everyone else…”
This explains my exhaustion of the past few years. I’m tired and am slowing coming out of the shadows.
Much love always to you and your precious daughter. Go, Mama Bear, go!
Thank you for your kind words, Jane. I so appreciate them.
It’s humbling to hear that you saw a reflection of yourself in the words … and here’s to not being exhausted anymore. 😉 I’ve been loving seeing you come out of your shadow with all your wonderful art!
Much love to you, Jane. You’re so special. 🙂
Dear Rebecca
Such a touching piece of writing…..and so bloody accurate!
Thank you for sharing, and ripping my heart out, and giving me food for thought, and the big fat reality slap!!!
May your beautiful daughter be an inspiration to us all!
Cindy xo
Love you, Cindy. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to read and to share.
So grateful for you. 🙂
Thank you, Becky. I love your writing and ideas. I hope your daughter can believe you when you tell her how unique and precious she is. I agree that we all are. It really is what makes this world go round! I am an INFJ so I really do appreciate uniqueness and being authentic. My son also has autism and although it can be tough to see him struggle, I am just in awe as to how beautiful he is. Thank you so much for your inspirational letters. I really do appreciate them!
…I hope that she can believe me, too, Julie. 🙂 I hope that she feels it in her bones.
We’re similar on the Meyers-Briggs! (I’m an INFP.)
Wrapping lots of love around you and your son. I have no doubt he’s beautiful; you’re his mama. 🙂
So much love to you, Julie. Thank you for taking the time to read and to write here! I really appreciate it. 🙂
Oh Rebecca that was amazing, I could feel your heart and soul pour out with every word and I am absolutely certain too that all of us reading empathise with you and Freya….we have all been in that situation. Our children are most precious to us and we hurt so much when something upsets them especially when it is emotions, feelings that cannot be disenfected and made better with a plaster. Of my five beautiful daughters one is special needs. Different? Yes but in a feisty, unique way. She has become an independent adult and shown me the unexpected that I am truly grateful for. Yesterday she dyed her hair purple and looks gorgeous! Thank you Rebecca for the words you have written that are so touching and comforting. Love you.
Ohhh, Jayne, I remember meeting this daughter! She came out to visit in Myanmar, right? I’d love to see a picture of her purple hair. Freya wants electric blue hair – I keep telling her no. LOL
Thank you for your kindness, your support, and your warmth, Jayne. I am grateful for you and so grateful you have stayed in touch.
So much love to you!
Mother and Child I witness you
I bow low as I see the Goddess in you
I stretch out my arms to embrace you non ordinary beauty.
Honey we have enough ordinary and so you have taken the path of being extra ordinary!!!
Embrace the freak that people tell you you are.
I witness you with delight!
I have faced the same thing as a legally blind woman. People wanted to fix my eyes without realizing that my limited physical vision gave me inner sight. I see hearts and when i look at you both, I see beauty.
Beautiful daughter of the universe, you should just be you.
You are a vessel of truth.
The truth is, your wide open heart is just what this planet needs.
Take care of yourself.
Each time sombody tells you you are weird reply in your mind, thank Goddess I am!
I honor you for the truth you are here to prescience and beloved, you don’t need to change a thing.
Bring the healing you are here to bring and know, my heart holds you in price and love.
Mama Rebecca, I hold you in love. I sincerely bless you for the sacred gift of writing you hold and I bow to the beautiful mother in you. You are so powerful. The Goddess has chosen you to write her word. I love and witness you sister.
I think autism is heart brilliance. You see what society hides and walk the path of truth.
Oh, thank you, Christine. What beautiful, heartfelt words. Thank you for taking a moment and sending such a precious personal note to Freya. I will be sure to read it to her when she comes home from school. Thank you. And thank you, too, sister, for the lovely words you wrote. Thank you for being here and thank you for your inner-heart sight!
I love what you said about autism being heart brilliance – and seeing “what society hides and walk the path of truth.” YES. That feels so resonant, Christine. Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for being you and for being present, open, connected for your daughter all of our children. Thank you for teaching me through her and your life lessons. I am better for you and for her.
Oh, Ginger. Thank you. I am blown away by your words and humbled. Thank you for being here, for reading, for commenting. I am grateful for you.
Sweet Rebecca. My Temple Sistar, My Sister of the Heart, My sister of my unfolding heart.
Thank you for your share. I felt sad, I felt possibilities, I felt my history rise up in me. I felt, how do we help our children be all that they are in their wonder and glory, and also let them have healthy boundaries that say, “you are fabulous and wondrous as you are and sometimes you don’t do fabulous things, say magic words to other, have shit filters and here’s a better way to be, to speak, to be kind. Oh to be kind to others. Yes, especially that.
I don’t have children. I choose that, and a good choice for me. I have a niece that fills my heart up like no other. Just saying that brings rise to tears….In a good way.
I have always been the creative, exuberant girl; that girl that found enthusiasm in most everything.
I was my mother’s ‘joy’ and her little ‘clown’ that was ‘She Who’ was responsible for the fun and play
in the family. I wore big silly pants as a kid. Good news, Bad news.
I’m not a ‘kid person’ and yet since I started this particular Temple work and priestess expansion, I find myself very alert to young girls healthy unfolding in this time that gives rise to our Divine Feminine selves. I’m not sure how I might plan to become a part of that in my community as it’s not been in my Wheel of life thus far. And our young people seem to need to be held in the sacred play or life in different ways now.
Anyway… I ramble. Thank you, I place you both on my altar of LOVE…
always… a sister here for you
jeanne
Dear Jeanne,
It will be lovely to see what unfolds for you as you feel called to be involved with younger girls! It will all fall into place the way that it’s meant. And not having a biological child certainly doesn’t exclude you from being part of that community. 🙂
I loved hearing about how you grew up being the expressive, fun, exuberant child. I can just see it.
And you’re absolutely right about balancing a child’s self-belief with knowing we’re not perfect and there are ways to be kind. This part can be a real challenge for my daughter because she doesn’t have a filter … and while her intent is not ever to hurt anyone, she lacks the awareness of how her words might be received by another.
Thank you for putting us on your altar of love. 🙂 I am so grateful for you and send so much love!
I am touched, inspired, and softly returning to the feeling of belonging with this lovely heart-and-truth piece. Your writing is sublime, tender, virtuous, loving – just like you, just like your daughter. Thank you for the truth. My heart embraces you both.
xo
Taline
Oh, thank you, dear Taline. I really do adore you and your tenderness. Your gentle thoughtfulness.
Thank you for your heart and for the love … and the beautifully kind words.
So much love to you. xoxox
Fabulous rebellion! …such wonderful waves. Love Neruda.
Yes, have given up a bit on belonging and I am happier… you made me realize.
Will be moving this year, taking the leap!
Ha! Love your words, Lisa! YES! It felt very rebellious! lol
Oh, I love Neruda, too. Sigh.
Can’t wait to hear about this move you’re making this year! Where will you be going? And so happy to hear you’re happier!
BIG HUGS.
Love this. I have had these types of conversations with both my boys. At pretty much all the parts so far in this whole process we call growing up. I feel like I still have conversations with my husband and girlfriends about this in all our lives. It’s something I feel like we as people continually go through. It helps to talk about it, not shush or pretend it’s not there. I love you and Freya and I love that you are putting it out there in the light, and your love will help her. ❤❤❤
I love you, too, Emma. So grateful for you. And so grateful for your support in the whole diagnosis process, too!
You’re right – this is part of life, part of being human – all the way. It is continuous and it shows up no matter your age.
Thank you for your friendship after all these years. And thank you, especially, for all the love you give Freya. 🙂
“Blessed are the weird people:
poets, misfits, writers
mystics, painters, troubadours
for they teach us to see the world through different eyes.”
― Jacob Nordby, Pearls of Wisdom: 30 Inspirational Ideas to live your best life now
Ha! YESSS. 🙂
Thank you, sweet Natasha. I love you! <3
I LOVE YOU TOO. I honor you and your daughter. I bow to you both in deep gratitude. I have known you in many lifetimes and I am grateful to know you both in this one as well.
I, too, bow to you, dearest Natasha and give you all my love. <3 <3 <3
Thank you for your raw beauty. I have raised two sons, it was painful, challenging, awesome, mindblowing,the most heart wide opening ride of my life. Your daughter chose wisely to have you as her mother. <3
Becky! I had this discussion this week too…. I am with you and adore your strength and positivity. Embrace the uniqueness and celebrate our diversity.
I adore YOUR strength and positivity, Meredith. You’ve always been a beacon to me. <3 Hugs and love to you and your daughters. Thank you for reading this... <3
I saw this go up a couple of days ago, but avoided reading it b/c I knew I’d be a puddle of tears. My daughter is 7, she has started to point out her “flaws” and it kills me. She skipped 1st grade this year and in those moments I had so much regret for letting her.I had never once seen her confidence shaken like that. She wanted to try basketball on the team for the first time and the first day of practice was brutal. The thing that saved us both, I think, is that everyone was hugely supportive. She is surrounded by girls who wanted her to come play and a safe place to step out if she needs to. My boys are both on the spectrum, I suspect she is as well. My constant quest for my kids is to help them find their “people”. We all bond and fit in with others in different ways and when that happens, it’s just easy. When you become friends with someone and it’s too hard to maintain or you are the only one making plans, it’s time to let go. The “people” that are your people are just easy to be with it, it never needs to be a production or a perfect house. It’s taken me a long time to figure out this, but I’m hoping that my kids will get good at finding the people who make them feel good about themselves. I am so aware of the way people make me feel the instant I am in the room with them. I know a lot of people believe that people can’t “make” you feel a certain way and we have choice in our feelings, but listening to your intuition when others make you feel unsafe is so important. Teaching our kids to figure out the difference of whether or not the people are triggering the negative feelings or it’s a case of being nervous in a new situation is important. All of it can feel the same…Thank you, Becky for sharing this! <3
Oh, Lisa. Sending you lots of love. It is hard seeing our kids with shaken confidence … and it feels like your daughter has a beautiful community of other little girls who will encourage her and totally accept her. That is wonderful. And it will make a huge difference!
You’re right … often it is about finding ‘our people,’ our ‘tribe’ that speaks the same ‘language’ as us, that sees us, holds us, just as we are. I think this is something we all want and yearn for.
Sending you huge hugs, Lisa! You’re a strong mama!
This is absolutely beautiful, Becky, and deep, deep wisdom. Clearly written from your heart and so true. I will be sharing without a doubt. I am in gratitude for this writing. Sending love to you and your daughter. Stand strong, Sister!! It keeps getting better and better through this kind of wisdom.
Thank you, dear Susan. I feel very touched by your words. I am receiving that love and am so grateful for you. <3 <3 <3 Thank you for being a light in my life for so many years, Susan!
Wow, Becky–great piece of writing. Your daughter is so blessed that you are able to see the REAL difficulty and support her through this.
Thank you, dearest Caresse. And thank you for all your loving, kind words. So very grateful for you!
Oh Becky, my heart breaks for Freya. She is such a brilliant and wonderfully unique soul. I understand the struggle too well, as a child and as a mom of unique children. I’m so glad she has you for a mom.
Thank you, Gen. I know… <3 <3 I am so grateful for you - my forever friend. What would I do without you? And how blessed are we to have children who know one another, can play together, and honor eachother's uniqueness? We are lucky. I love you so much, Gen. I'm so glad that your kids have YOU as a mom. You're an incredible parent.
Dear Rebecca,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt posting on this very basic issue of “not good enough’ syndrome, as I have been naming it recently. My goodness, we can all relate on some very deep level. I have something to offer that comes through me from the perspective of the Goddess of Alchemy. I have been very open to HER in recent weeks. This is what I have heard:
Since you have so poignantly stated, this feeling of not belonging is part of a collective, primordial, universal HURT….primordial, meaning it is…. instinctive, primitive, basic, primal, primeval, intuitive, inborn, innate, inherent, visceral. And if this is true, then SHE is giving us all HUGE opportunities at this time to come to an awareness of acceptance, surrender and unconditional love of shadow as much as light. The paradox of coming to this place of acceptance of the human condition, while simultaneously taking a stand in resistance to this primordial need to deny our own divinity within us….is what we our being held accountable to step up to and own as ours to do NOW. So, your natural motherly urge to protect your daughter from this innate hurt is understandable, but, SHE is here to remind us that it is not our place to deny our children their own soul’s purpose to learn for themselves whatever lessons they came here to learn. Our children are not our children….to quote from Khalil Gibran’s ON CHLDREN, that humbling poem that all parents come to understand at some point. As much as we want to keep our children free from pain, we must allow them to learn the only way any of us learn….by going through the pain, not to have it taken away from us. The pain is our teacher, and no one can make us learn the lesson you are stating so emphatically for us….we must learn it for ourselves. All the things that appear to be in the way of us knowing that we are magnificent — just the way we TRULY are….those things that are in the way, actually ARE the WAY. The Goddess of Alchemy is reminding us that we can LOVE those things that are in the way…because they are the necessary ingredients needed as Grist for the Mill of ALCHEMY.
I am still learning these lessons now as mother and grandmother, for those innate feelings of wanting to protect our young are also primordial. This is the world we live in now….uncertainty, pain and paradox….balanced by lots of LOVE and LIGHT. I am learning to LOVE it all! My soul is so full these days….and I am learning to say, “Bring it on!”…..These awarenesses and insights are music to my soul.
I am honored to be on the journey with you, sister. See you in the FIELD of RESONANCE.
Blessed Be,
Marjorie
Thank you, dear Marjorie. I loved reading through your heartfelt words … yes, that feeling to protect the young is very primoridal. And I can see the paradox, the alchemy in it all. I’m going to sit here with you in the feeling of “bringing it on.” So much love to you. Thank you for your wisdom + presence. <3
Thanks for posting this, beautifully written as ever. You are meant for each other you and Freya, beautiful deep unique souls. I remember someone once told me that your children break your heart every day. Luckily they also make it swell with pride and melt with love. I’ve passed this on to a few people, everyone should read it! Lots of love to both of you xx
Thank you so much, Vicky. Freya is quite a special girl. I’m often in awe of her. It’s very kind that you passed this article on. I think of you often and hope you’re all doing well. Love to you. xoxox