I used to date a lot … before I got married, before there was a child. It was fun. There were interesting guys that I had interesting conversations with. There were even the few dodgy men that were – well – dodgy. Along the way, I learned which characteristics were attractive to me and which were not. When a man opened my door I smiled; but when he opened the door for an elderly person, I swooned. If he was polite to waitresses, I figured he was probably a polite guy overall. If he didn’t walk me to my car, check-in that I got home safe from driving in wintery weather (or tell me to let him know that I did),  I quickly became less interested.

The dating scene has changed and so have I. While a lot of those characteristics I discovered years ago still matter, there’s more to it now. I have a stronger sense of who I am and what I need. Life is a little complicated, too; I’ve just turned 40, am divorced, and have a child.

Dating now means more planning and less spontaneity. This probably doesn’t render excitement to the men who don’t have kids and can decide at 5pm to have dinner out that evening. In my world, babysitters need to be organized ahead of time. Part of me misses being impulsive, but I have a daughter: I have to plan.

And what’s sexy about planning? I have no answer to that. I don’t think it is sexy. Yet, if a man understands and respects my role as a mother and helps ensure that arrangements are made in advance, it’s nothing but a good thing. It takes a team effort to date when a child is in the mix; this is especially true when said child doesn’t even know momma goes on dates.

What is sexy? Confidence – knowing who you are, what you need in relationships, what you want in your life, staying on that path … and then communicating. It’s not unlike having a personal mission statement – similar to what organizations write. You’re clear and grounded in the direction you’re taking  because it’s about being true to who you are. That kind of knowing? That’s sexy. In others. In yourself.

Stepping out there in the world of singledom can feel daunting. You may wonder who will  accept you for who you are, including the choices you’ve made in the past that have led you to this point. Some guys don’t want a woman who has been divorced. Or one with a child. You’re seen as a risk. But people who understand none us have clean slates, understand that’s bullshit: you’re not a risk. You’re someone who was brave enough to love. I say that’s better than having a closed off heart.

Despite it being a bit scary, dating can be beneficial in reminding you of what it is you need from relationships. So, it doesn’t matter whether the date turned out the way you hoped or not. What matters is what you take from it, what you learn. Perhaps he didn’t pick up the tab immediately. Or he stared just a little too long at the woman with a low-cut dress sitting at the next table. Maybe he spent the evening talking of superficial things and making fun of people. You learn something:  a bit of old fashioned chivalry goes a long way; you want a man who can’t take their eyes off you; and that meeting someone who has depth and is kind, thoughtful and not caught-up in other people’s lives indicates a level of maturity you need.

Date fail? No. Success. It’s all in how you look at it. Moving forward, only more confidence and clarity can be gained – as long as you remember who you are and what it is you need. Set your bar high. Enjoy yourself, have fun … but don’t compromise.