I recently heard from an old flame. He wasn’t really a boyfriend, but we were involved for a period of time many years ago. We had a good friendship. He’d call daily, usually waking me up in the morning; he lived on the other side of the country, but visited, and we shared a special connection. Or at least I thought it was special…

That’s the thing about old relationships … you can start to wonder if what you experienced was as real or as meaningful or as special as you thought. You wonder if the other person felt what you felt. And somehow, you begin to question the validity of your experience based upon what they (the other) may or may not have experienced. There’s something innately painful in that line of questioning. (Which probably means it’s not the healthiest way to think.)

While catching up, it felt nice to hear little quips about how he remembered what I was like and how our visits were. It felt good to be remembered. After many years without contact, I wondered if our friendship had an impact, or had been important. I questioned that less by the end of our conversation.

My old, sweet friend is now married with a young son. He is happy. He enjoys his work. He loves his family. My heart swelled in happiness for him; I felt grateful to hear how his life is going – and that it is going well.

In this post, I mentioned I believe love is partly about healing old, false thoughts about ourselves and about the person we’re with.

Our talk helped heal (and reveal) a hurt. During our conversation, when I explained my divorce, there was a moment. A moment where he sighed and said, “Becky … you are exceptional. You’re still exceptional. I am sad you haven’t had an experience commensurate with how giving you are.” Later, he recalled and thanked me for having a specific positive influence on his life … one that I had no idea I made.

Then, the little inner-demon reared its ugly head, “Well, Becky, you weren’t exceptional enough for … well … anyone! … so you can’t be that exceptional! If he had thought you were that great, things would’ve worked out between the two of you.” (Not very nice, right? Probably wouldn’t ever say that to your friend…)

A gentler, stronger voice also reared its brave head and countered with, “It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. You don’t need someone to tell you you’re giving, patient, kind, or nice. You don’t need another person to validate your relationships, your feelings, your experiences. Just trust yourself. Relationships aren’t about end results. Relationships aren’t real only if they end in a proposal or marriage. They don’t become null and void if they end in divorce. Every relationship is real and matters – if you want to learn something from it.”

I’m grateful for that gentler, stronger voice. She’s smart. She’s right, too. Though it was partly healing to hear that I had an impact on this man’s life, just as he had on mine, I’m learning that even if I hadn’t … it wouldn’t have taken away from the experience.

We do have to trust ourselves. We do have to believe in our own journey. What we feel is real and it doesn’t need to be justified by anyone or anything … if a person doesn’t feel the same way, it doesn’t make it less real or less of anything.

The minute we start reducing our experiences, making them small(er), we minimize ourselves, our capacity to love, our ability to learn and give. Why would we want to do that?

Instead, we can embrace our feelings, believe in them, and know they matter … no matter what. We can feel gratitude for learning more about ourselves through our relationships with others. Daily. It’s through that, through believing in our own selves, that I think the real healing will begin.