Hi. My name is Becky and I sometimes don’t believe or accept that I’m worthy of positive things.
Maybe you struggle with this, too.
See, if you express to me I’m beautiful, smart, funny … you’ll get a “it’s very kind of you to say that.”
Describe me as a free-spirit – like my mother does – and my nose will wrinkle and a disbelieving laugh will erupt.
I’m a good writer, talented, creative? I’ll smile through my teeth, “that’s nice of you.”
For the few who state my large body is OK – even attractive – just the way it is? I’ll look at you like you’re crazy (even though I really try to accept this as truth).
When you say I’m a pretty decent mom, you’ll get a run-down of each mistake I made that day. There will be a lot of them. Especially yesterday. Don’t get me started on yesterday!
God forbid you say anything remotely close to “I love you.” You’ll receive a list of all the things that are quirky and annoying about me (like how I hate cocktail parties, surprises, and bananas). I’ll let you know – up front and center, real loud – not to put this girl on any sort of pedestal because I’ll quickly fall off into the depths … then you’ll run away. I’ll tell you to trust me on this – it’s happened before. People can be fickle. Change their minds.
While I believe it’s not difficult to love the person standing in front of me – imperfections and all – I find it challenging to believe you’ll be able to do the same. (Kind of arrogant, right?) Anais Nin says, “Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not our dream, but a human being with flaws.”
I will expect you to accept, without question, that I compliment you with utmost sincerity.
I’ll expect you to feel completely comfortable with gifts of love and kindness and time I give you. If you get uncomfortable, I’ll wonder why you don’t see yourself like I do. I’ll probably be a little ticked off, too. Feel slightly slighted.
But when the role is reversed? I’m dubious.
At the time when positive things I hoped for occur, I might get scared. Fidgety. Part of me sometimes thinks, “Oh no … what now? I know this isn’t going to last.”
And so what?
So what if it doesn’t last? Nothing stays the same…nothing. What is so gruesome, so terrible, so frightening about change? About something not lasting? I’m learning this: it doesn’t mean you were unworthy of the beauty while it did last.
Life shifts. Experience always gives a different perspective.
On fickleness, on people changing their minds: sometimes they don’t!
And if they do change their minds, it doesn’t mean the things that were whispered were insincere or untrue. It doesn’t mean the relationship was for naught. Most likely, what was shared with you was given with an open heart … at that time.
I need to learn to accept the kindness and trust the genuineness of others; I need to allow myself to feel grateful for and proud of hard work paid off; otherwise, there’s a risk of the very thing I don’t want: for it to disappear.
When the good stuff happens, it’s OK to embrace it, receive it. Anything less means your heart really isn’t open. And the thing is – we are all worthy of being blessed with positivity, light, love. The good stuff. They’re little presents to remind us we’re not really alone, that we’re seen. That we need to quell those monster voices speaking lies to us about ourselves. The good stuff reminds us we’re good enough – perfect enough – just the way we are.
Those who care for us, provide an opportunity to see ourselves for who we deeply are, not just the protective pieces we construct … those pieces don’t speak the truth about who we are, what we’re capable of. Those constructs? They deconstruct.
Each of us is beautiful in our unique way. We bring gifts to the table, offerings that spark interest and curiosity. That help us view things sideways, sometimes. We stretch.
It’s better to invite in that kind of living rather than allow the fears of unworthiness (the lies) to take residence.
So when we’re told we’re beautiful or kind, say thank you.
When we’re told we’re great parents, say thank you.
When we’re told we rock their world, say thank you.
When a dream comes true? Say thank you.
Say thank you. And mean it.
If Thank you is the only prayer you ever say, that should suffice. -Eckhart Toile (I think thats how u spell it!)
Dear Becky,
Since the first thing you ever wrote that I read, I have LOVED your work! Your words speak to my heart… for me and about me sometimes, and… ALL the time I want to wrap my arms around you and protect you! Your Light is so Bright! And even though you have had your share of sorrow, "The Best is Yet to Be"! Have faith my sweet friend!!!! You truly ARE beautiful! You are a Wonderful mother! And your writing for the Heart will take you far!!!! Enjoy the ride sweetie, the plane only just took off!!!!!!! xoxox
Ditto to all that Kathie said Becky… I love your honest and authentic writing voice and I KNOW you and I have the same sense of humour. I think of you every time I set one of my rat traps. 🙂 I too say 'enjoy the ride ' you are taking off, I can feel it. And oh how lucky Freya is to have you ( and you her ).. My dad was a writer and used my 2 sisters and me as 'free' material in his writing. Sensing possibilities for you … And thank you for this wisdom. …….and I'll say it now ." you're welcome ".
Loved it!! Keep writing my friend, keep writing. You ARE good at it! 🙂 June
Loved it!! Keep writing my friend, keep writing. You ARE good at it! 🙂 June
Becky, You've got an obvious fan club here and you must know, we are all going to think you are wonderful no matter what. Even if you think you wrote a piece of crap one day, we will love it anyway. You know why? Because we care and love who YOU are.
You hit the nail on the head though, when you said, "What if it changes?" It's like if someone says, "You are so smart!" Well, now your pressured to keep them believing THAT! Ughhh! That's too much for one to take, so you play it down and say, "Really I'm not. . . I read it in a book." Then, you don't have to play that "smart" role 24/7. Cuz, good Lordy, that would get old and for sure they would find us out.
Don't you think we fear our egos, too, when we say Thank you? I sometimes fear that if I say thank you, it will send a message that says, "Yes, I think so too." And then, they'll think, "Geez, who does she think SHE is?"
Obviously, I need to work on accepting compliments in a better way, too.
You have given me good food for thought. That's what your writing does.
So, just say, "Thank you!"
I love that, Monica! Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
Kathie, you are so kind. Thanks for reading my stuff! I felt like I had just been given a big hug reading your sweet words. I feel grateful you're one of my flying sisters. 🙂
Sandy – I'm pretty sure we have a similar sense of humor as well; and I just laughed when you wrote about the rat trap. lol I'll never forget one of the first comments you ever sent me – something about backing away from the candy or something another. lol Still makes me laugh. Yes – remember you saying your dad was a writer. Children's books, right? 🙂 I should probably try to get back to tackling some of those stories I scribbled down. <3
Thank you JUNE! 🙂 Awww.
Hi Shari! Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Thanks for mentioning about if I think I write something crap one day (and then the pressure to keep something "good" up). I certainly felt pressured to post something great after getting picked up by the HuffPost. Then I realized – we writers (you included, Missy!) – just have to write.
YES to fearing the ego! And the fear of what happens if it's quiet. What happens after that? Silence? No. The good stuff. But what does that look like? lol Anyway. I totally get what you're saying.
Thank you, Shari! <3
I've just read three of your articles:
1) Misconceptions about larger women
2) Being a larger woman and entering Southeast Asia,
3) this one I'm commenting on.
I LOVE IT! I love your writing! We have very similar writing styles in terms of how we use our honest voice! I really appreciate the blogspiration (yes I love puns) you provide for the rest of us bloggers 🙂
Keep writing! And embrace your existence!
Oh, wow, Tahsin! Thank you for taking the time and reading through some of my posts. And thank you, also, for commenting. 🙂
Sending you many warm thoughts. And happy holidays to you and yours. 🙂